"My fault, I forgot you were an idiot."

"Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kinda like being the guy on a date."-Caroline Rhea

"Hate is a special kind of love that we give to people that suck."

 "You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans" - George Carlin

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity" - George Carlin

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house." - George Carlin

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."- George Carlin

"If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter" - George Carlin

"If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?"- George Carlin

"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong."- George Carlin

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"- George Carlin

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."- George Carlin

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."- George Carlin

"Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to. "- Chris Rock

"The most racist people are old black men! He went through real racism back them. He couldn't go through that "I-can't-get-a-cab" thing. Back then, he WAS the cab! A white man jump on his back, "Main Street!" - Chris Rock

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."- Georg Burns

"I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. "- George Burns

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."- George Burns

"Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.".- George Burns

"My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil."