"Just because I'm moody doesn't mean you're not irritating."

"Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand."

"Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity."

"Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat."

"If you’re going to get in trouble for hitting someone, you might as well do it hard."

"It has gotten to the point where if I had to choose between falling in love and reading a book about falling in love...I'd choose the book."

"All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt!"

"I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?"

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."

"The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?"

"Be optimistic. all the people you hate now are eventually going to die." - Tom Green

"Always borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect to get it back."

"Some guys say ‘suck it’. I say ‘no thanks. I choke on small objects.’"

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you
fall into an open sewer and die."- Mel Brooks

"It's amazing. You look like a normal person, but actually you're the Angel of Death."

"I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?"

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night. "

"Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you."

"This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me."

"I learned there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead, others come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready, you see.
Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me."

"In New York, fuck isn't even a word. It's a comma."

"I think I'll go anti-love. Really, who needs it? Butterflies in the tummy and hearts skipping beats...that can't be safe"

"Men are like a deck of cards. You'll find the occasional king, but most are jacks."

"One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions."

"Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them."

"I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce."